God appearing to me as a cruel monster

All these have actually begun in the year 1969, almost two years before the death of one of my uncles. He was the elder brother of my father. During those two years I had to face a horrible experience of nothingness, because I could not see life anywhere. Life was everywhere, but I could not see it, I could not feel it, I could not touch it. I had instead a sense of void only, of futility of everything.